im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
