Just cropdusted the office
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize