I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
