Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
