i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize