ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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