Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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