my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
