you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize