I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
