i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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