If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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