I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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