Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
