the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
