i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
