Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
