just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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