I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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