I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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