I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
