The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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