Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
