This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
