Got a toothbrush?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
