I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
