I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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