You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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