I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
