Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize