She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
