i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
