My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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