Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
