Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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