Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
