Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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