I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
