You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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