I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
