Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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