Who wears a wallet chain?!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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