I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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