eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
