Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
