Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
