First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
