you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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