Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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