I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
