he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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