just come out here and I will go home with you...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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