True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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