this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Everyone says I win the strip club
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize