Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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