you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
