Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
