I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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