I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
