life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We need to rekindle our bromance
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
